Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Westeros and OZ

One of the hardest parts about our move to Texas is being away from family during the holidays.  We see our siblings and parents, but the extended family gatherings have become fewer and further between.  I have 21 first cousins.  My boys have two.  And while I can say without a doubt, my sister is worth 10 siblings, sometimes it's a little lonely to do our own thing.  And I feel like my kids are missing out on those cousin/family times.  This Easter we made plans with some new friends here who are also from out of town, but an ER trip with a wheezing, coughing boy broke that up pretty quickly.  But we rebounded with a quiet weekend in and a small egg hunt in the front yard followed by a family movie outing to see OZ The Great And Powerful.  Trying to stay connected to Kansas, I guess.

Today I Am Grateful For:

1.  Internet Nerds

I am a total fantasy book nerd.  I love the Song of Ice and Fire books, The Name of the Wind, and I most recently read the Mistborn Trilogy.  I would probably hyperventilate if I saw George RR Martin or Patrick Rothfuss in person.  And then I would hound them with theories and questions, and demand for the release dates of their next books.  I love reading westeros.org.  If I'm surfing the Internet, chances are I will pop in there for some good theory and speculation reading.  It started with Harry Potter and mugglenet.com.  While it is torture to wait years for a book, these chat rooms enhance the book nerd experience.  What I love most is that I know there are people like me who love to talk about books and, mostly, there are people who are way, way more into it than I ever could be and they provide quotes, well thought out arguments and a lot of times notice nuances that I missed.  I love historical fiction, chick lit (think Nanny Diaries not Jodi Picoult), but fantasy series take the cake.  Thank you, nerddom!

2.  My mean cat

Poor JJ.  At 12, she is an old curmudgeon.  She never was quite a sweet thing, but her poor little bitchy heart has put up with a kitten, a puppy (both no longer in our house) and two little boys.  Miraculously, it's little W who she will tolerate the most.  The five year old ruined his chance years ago.  Poor kid.  He wants a sweet pet and I don't blame him.  But I'm grateful for the one we have.  One eye cloudy from cataracts, or something (I don't know because I refused to pay $250 to take her to a specialist), clawless but good with her teeth, and always put upon by screaming, grabby boys, JJ faithfully comes to cuddle with Rich and I every night.  I can't help but love her just a little bit.


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

It's Music To My Ears

I think one of those iconic parenting moments is the school performance.  The homemade costumes, the one little one who is adorably off beat, and the sweet songs all just explode with adorable kid-ness.  D had his first performance last weekend and it did not disappoint.  From his little Australian outback costume to the Waltzing Mathilda, watching my son and his class on stage was one of my favorite things, ever.

Today I am grateful for:

1.  My former life as an English teacher.

Before D's school performance, I helped set up.  The school had recruited lots of high school honor students to help with set up.  They were polite, sweet kids who were wearing their school honor roll shirt.  The back said: NOBLESSE OBLIGE.


Most people may not remember this phrase, but I do.  Noblesse Oblige means, essentially, that the nobility must conduct themselves in a certain way because with great privilege comes great responsibility.  Now it's almost always used ironically in the US to make fun of a wealthy person who is humoring the "little people".  So, here we have these kids, who live in one of the wealthiest cities in Texas, whose public high school is in the top 25 in the country proudly proclaiming their elevated status to the world, without irony.  Behind that, there was a teacher who approved this.   That teacher must think these kids are assholes, right?  Why else would they look the other way while kids who are claiming to be intelligent, wear these shirts WHILE THEY VOLUNTEER?  I can't imagine they haven't volunteered somewhere where there are people who are less fortunate than them.  I'm grateful I was a high school teacher and I remember what this means, because if my kids ever come home with a shirt like that, someone is getting a call. There's a fine line between being knowing what you have and being arrogant, and I feel really bad for any of those kids that don't realize what they are saying about themselves with that shirt.  Wait, no I don't.  They are in the honor society.  They can look that shit up.


2.  I win.

One of the things I feel like I fail at as a mom is chronicling our lives.  Everyone I know has professional photos taken quarterly, a completely updated blog with amazing pictures and almost uncanny recall about everything baby and kid.  I am seriously behind.  I'm catching up, slowly.  We had our first professional pictures in a year and a half taken last weekend and the first of all four of us.  And I occasionally write this blog, which is actually my Doogie Howser computer diary, if I'm being honest.  I've only told my sister and my husband about it, so hey Jess and Rich!

But I'm off topic.  One of the best things, one of the things I do not want to forget is the cutest little battle that goes on in my house a couple of times a week.  Someday D is going to read this and get really pissed that I thought this was so cute because this is genuinely distressing for him and always, always ends with him red faced and screaming.

It starts with D (big brother) telling W (little brother) that he wins.  It can be anything.  They can be racing around the couch or W can be in the other room oblivious to the contest.  But little W is scrappy.  And in true little brother fashion, he has learned the one phrase that trumps all:  "no, I win". Like I said, W has no idea what winning is even, he just knows when D says "I win" that means he says "no, I win".  For him it's like the funniest 2 year old game.  Like wheels on the bus, you repeat the whole thing over and over.  But D will not let this stand and gets madder and redder and louder until there are tears and protests about who actually won.  It's just so cute.  And I love it so much.  Sorry, future D.  I do.  It's adorable, and I'm grateful I get to listen to it.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Normal

I've been struggling with migraines and body aches for a year now.  I finally wised up and went to the doctor again after the Pilates that that scoliosis specialist recommended didn't seem to be getting rid of my headaches.  I'm seeing a neurologist next week.  And I'm a bit scared.  Nothing's ever been really wrong with me and I've never felt so bad for so long.  I'm sure I'm fine, I'm sure, but there's always that nagging doubt that says "it could be".  So today I'm grateful for normal.

1. Normal

The status quo: nothing changes.  Morning routines, evening routines, company in the bathroom, dirty diapers, these are all normal.  No matter how I might try, my schedule, my whole day, and my sleep revolves around my boys.  They set the pace and I follow.  I'm okay with that.  We set rules, we follow through, we parent.  No one here is getting walked over.  But we plod after, we spend nights in, we wake earlier than we would ever want to, we are parents, there is no other choice.  And we watch.  They grow, they learn, they amaze us.  This is normal too.  I want to be grateful for this, because I know it is a special time in all of our lives.  When they were truly ours and we theirs.  This is family and I'm grateful.

2.  867-5309iein

D loves music.  He has the radio on in his room every night to keep him company.  The other morning Thriftshop came on.  I had never heard it.  D pipes up "I love this song, it makes me want to put my hands in the air and say yeah!".  I have a feeling he's going to be chuckling at me in a few years with how out of touch I am with cool.  Karma is a bitch.

Lately D has decided he likes "rocking" music the best.  And his new favorite song is 867-5309, and every time he says it, he adds the "iein".  The other day he had W's cat piano out.  It has a microphone.  D was singing 867-5309 and trying to find the notes.  I may have been more pleased at that moment than when he started adding and subtracting.  That's good parenting, right?

Just for giggles, here's Thriftshop.  D has only heard the edited version.  I can't say I hate it.  At least it's not about Gucci and Penthouses and being rich.


Monday, February 11, 2013

1 year

See this is why I'm bad at blogging.  My big kid goes to school all day but my little is at home.  He goes to the gym daycare and naps for 1 1/2 to 2 hours a day, but otherwise he and I are a package deal.  He's mostly a great companion.  Sweet, funny, and curious, he has a sunny disposition.  But when he's off, I'm off and my little baby has hit the terrible twos with gusto.  There are more rolling, screaming fits and I haven't gotten up this early every morning since he was 9 months old.

So, we are a bit fuzzy, and I have to choose: blog or rest, blog or shower, shower or Facebook, keep in touch or read a book.  And I'm not that great at time management.  I'm always, always tired and as of my diagnosis last June, I am the proud owner of a migraine condition.  Last week I had one for four days,  five if you count the pre-headache day where I can't find words when I need them and feel foggy all day.

I wish I could somehow let the universe know that I don't have TIME for a headache (that has more to do with light and sound than aches) that lasts four days.   And why now?  Why the only time I do not have the luxury of no sound do I need it so badly?  But these are first world problems.  And this blog is about gracefulness, not complaining.  I'm not disabled, I don't have a serious illness, and everyone I love is healthy.  I am LUCKY.  I have everything.  I have two little boys who hug and love and kiss on me all day long.  I am grateful.

Today I am grateful for:

1.  Texas winters

This is our first Texas winter.  Last week it was 75 two days in a row.  In February.  It snowed three feet in New England and they had to suspend all rescues and aid until the police and fire trucks were dug out of the snow.  Yes, I am grateful for this winter.  Finally we don't have a gray month, or at least if we do, the grass and trees are still green.

2.  Huffpost Parents

Every day I get two or three parenting articles on my newsfeed that are insightful, funny, and always highlight the real experiences of parenting.  Becoming a mom has been, hands down, the most transformative experience I've had.  It's changed my inner self, my friendships, my life plan, and my tolerance levels.  And other parents get this.  I can describe it to you, but you won't get it.  I didn't. And sometimes I need to know that this experience is as profound and messy and exhausting to other people as it is to me.  Thank you Huffpost Parents.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/parents/

3. Perspective

They say time heals all wounds.  I'm sure that is mostly true.  A year ago, we were living in Kansas.  My kids were 3 and 1 and my husband traveled four days a week.  I struggled.  My anxious mind soared in the evenings without my husband.  I checked doors, I imagined intruders, I was helpless.  I was lonely because I didn't have a good support system and I was so tired.  Mostly it makes me sad to think of last year because I think about how much less I had to give my kids.  I am so much better this year.  Just knowing my husband is coming home at the end of the day, that he will be in our house at night and that the day will not end with me, alone gives me the base I need. 

It was hard leaving home, but I'm happier here.  It took awhile to get settled, to get that sense that I could finally breathe, but it has made all the difference.  My big kid has transformed.  He's sensitive, like me, and I think he knows I'm better and because I'm better he can relax too.  He is such a joy and his  heart is so big.  I'd do all of this again if the only benefit was his and I was still miserable. 

I am so grateful that this was an option and that it worked.  All I have to do is look at my big kid to know we made the best decision for our family.  That perspective helps me, and I know that we are lucky.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Doo

One of the reasons I wanted to blog again was that too often those quirks and jokes and delights that we live with every day fade away and I'm left realizing that somehow I don't remember D as 1 or 2 or 3, I know now very deeply, but I want to remember yesterday.  So this blog is for me.  I'll have the pictures, but I want to remember the subtleties.

Today I am grateful for:

1.  Two

W turned two last month and though he has been holding us hostage with his sleeping habits, he continues to be a little charmer.  When he smiles, his whole face lights up and I know he feels real, undisputed joy.  It might be from JJ's tail in his hand or because he got a strawberry, but every time it is overwhelmingly deep and true.

He is talking so much and every day he learns new words.  He says Doo (two) and Day Day(JJ) and Brober (brother).  Gee (green) and lellow.  His favorite show is Super Why (of course) and he says it Do wy.  When he is very serious, he will grab my face with both hands, still chubby baby hands, and solemnly look me in the eye and put his finger on my nose.  "Nose".  Perfect pronunciation.  He will then point out my eyes, ears, teeth and cheeks.  He thinks his bottom is called poo poo.

This morning he went into the garage and put D's bike helmet on his head.  It was backward and the strap was under his nose.  "Bite".  He's ready to be a big boy.  I'm not so ready.  So I'm grateful for today and that little light of his.  He lets it shine.


2.  The Lumineers

God it is loud.  I mean from the moment the boys are up to the time they crash, there is a constant flow of bangs, screams, and talking.  I've talked about my love of pop music, but sometimes I love folky, soft music too.   We have been listening to the Lumineers on the way to school and it's been giving me some small moments of peace.  For me, it's bathing music, calm and serene.  And since those moments are few and far between, I am grateful.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

It's a headache

My little one, who is two has been waking up at 4:30 every day for a month.  I'm not exaggerating.  Most of the time he smells and he's angry.  Needless to say, me and my hubs are cranky: at each other, at the world, at little smelly.  It's been rough.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My husband

He tries.  He gets up at 4:30 every other morning, even on work days.  He works 12 hour days sometimes and comes home to a hostage situation.  I'm getting a migraine from the screaming, W is beside himself because I gave him a pretzel.  No other reason I can see, it's because of the pretzel.  Poor D is trying to play around the cacophony.  Still he tries.  He is the family hammer.  Nothing gets past him.  He was made to be a dad.  He does the hard stuff.  He cooks dinner and fantastic breakfasts.  He hangs in there.  I'm grateful I can depend on him when I need him.  He's pretty great.

2.  Sugar

I say I love wine.  And I do, I do.  But if I'm watching my weight (I'm always watching my weight,
just sometimes I watch it go the wrong way), I pick dessert over wine.  Craving chocolate is part of the whole migraine cycle, so I tell myself I can't control it, my headache needs it.  I am powerless.  I take sugar, not Splenda in my coffee.  And if we're being real, no one knows for sure fake sugar isn't completely toxic.  Like, now Diet Coke makes you fat too.  Why the hell would I drink Diet Coke if it wasn't making me skinny?  I know sugar is the enemy.  I also know those girls in the size jeans I want to wear eat less sugar than me.  But I love it.  I pick it over a buzz.

3.  Natalie

In keeping with my music theme, I have to include this song:


I remember when I got my first radio.  It was this thin boom box with a tape player in the middle.  Every night I would read my library books and listen to the top 8 at 8.  I remember praying for them to play Faith by George Michael and jumping up and down when it came on the very next song.  I remember getting Mariah Carey's Someday and playing it on repeat, which then was playing and then rewinding.  I love pop music.  I LOVE pop music with a little soul.

About two weeks ago, I was playing Natalie in the car.  D told me he didn't like it.  When I picked him up from school he requested it.  Then he wanted it again and again.  When we got home, he  pulled a chair up the the counter, popped my iPhone in our speakers and started learning the words.  Watching him discover the love, the need, the fascination with a new song took me back.  I'm a little jealous of all the great songs he will discover in the next few years, but grateful I will get to listen to them on repeat and jam with him in the kitchen.

Oh, and I'm completely aware that Natalie's lyrics are, um, not age appropriate.  I've been explaining metaphors and hyperbole to D.  Not that he gets it, but he told me he thought Natalie was wearing a red cape like Little Red Riding Hood and carrying a sack of gold coins.

Monday, January 14, 2013

So Easy

One month ago, I dropped D off at school and went into his school's parent group meeting.  Afterward, my best friend came over with her daughter for a play date.  We talked politics (we are both strong Democrats in a blindingly red state), we laughed, and gossiped.  It was a good day.  Later, she called me in tears and told me about the 20 children and six adults that were killed in Newtown, Conneticut.

Before I had children, tragedies never affected me deeply.  September 11 scared me, but I didn't feel connected to it.  It just didn't sink in.  But this time was different.  I spent a week looking at those sweet little angels' pictures, sobbing for their mothers, and trying not to imagine what their last moments were like.

Today I am grateful for my two boys.  That they are here with me.  I can only hope that when I send them to school, they come back to me.  Sometimes I am terrified of the world I brought my kids into. So today, I will read one more story, snuggle one more time, and be grateful for them.  They are my whole heart.

I will also promise not to abstain from the gun control debate.  After September 11, air travel changed. Suddenly there were metal detectors, shoe removal, and 3 oz limits on liquids to ensure air travel was safe.  Now, there must be changes to our gun laws.  An assault  weapons ban, limited magazine clips, universal background checks, mental health checks, proof of safe storage, and liability insurance are a good start.  For our children. For us.

http://onemillionmomsforguncontrol.org/

http://www.bradycampaign.org/

http://newtownmemorialfund.org/